Unspoken Words

Once, I promised myself that I won’t fall into the same mistake again. But I failed to keep my words. I’m not a type of girl who falls so easily. But, once I fall for someone, it’s hard for me to look at another. It seems that my whole eyes and heart have been set for that one.

He was so playful, kinda jerk (hahaaa~ no offense). All he could do is to piss me off. He always made fun of me. Truthfully, I once did look at him. Due to something, I let that feeling go. I told myself, “It’s no use to keep this feeling.” I decided to fall out this trap. And I did it. Since then, he was just an average person in the street. And I stayed in my comfort zone.

Somehow, he noticed me. He knew that I used to get interested in him. He asked me about that out of blue. “He already found it out. There’s no way I have to hide it.” That was what I think. So, I simply say it’s true. Then, he told me that feeling of mine scare him. He was kinda afraid of me. (What???  Afraid?? Of me?? Oh come on! I don’t bite.) Thanks God! I already forgot that feeling, so I took it as a joke. It’s such a relief that I didn’t develop that feeling. So, when I found out he already got a girl, I swore I’m really OK. I was nowhere near hurt. Remember?? I was in my comfort zone.

I didn’t know what spell he cast on me. I felt something nostalgic. It wasn’t like I like him or what, I just had a deep feeling for him. That’s all. I tried to find the reason why I feel so, but I found no reason. I had no idea. I couldn’t remember when I start that feeling. I simply fell for him before I know it.

I tried my best to completely erase that feeling just like what I’ve done before. I couldn’t. There was a time, when I had a difficult time. I struggled with another me who force me to confess. She said, “The thing that you do won’t make any difference. You’ve been through this before. Later, you won’t meet him again. So, take this chance! You have nothing to lose.” Was it true?? Should I confess?? But, his girlfriend… “A girlfriend. Not a wife! Come on, girl! It’s worth a try.” Finally, she won. 

I didn’t care his response. That wasn’t my point. I didn’t ask him to go out. I expected nothing. All I wanted to do is confess. Nothing more. Nothing less. Then, I could release and let go that feeling. So, I would have some peace in my heart. My friend told me that in this case, he lost someone who cares for him, while I lost someone who doesn’t care. I had nothing to lose.

That day came. I was about to tell him. Then, I realized something. He only liked to fool around me. That’s all. I clearly realized he wasn’t really looking at me. Which was why, on that day, I couldn’t say a word to him. He looked at something far beyond me. So, all I could do was clench my fist, step backward, and undo this feeling. I couldn’t go any further. I completely closed my mouth.

He wasn’t the only one. If I could choose, I’d only choose to fall for the one who care for me. But, I believe Allah have saved someone much better for me. I believe Allah will find a way for me. An amazing way.